Well here goes…second time I’ve been given this assignment. I balked the first time and asked for a different assignment – anything but THIS! I didn’t feel strong enough to face all of this stuff at the time. It was given to me once more, and because I had so much resistance to it – and had finally learned how to breathe deeply into the uncomfortable – this time around, I said ‘yes’. I believe I have gotten to the bottom of the matter. The dreaded (by me) “family curses assignment”. Scratch that. Love Mission. Whatever. I dive in at last.
I was raised in a family of alcoholism and drug use, with all of the erratic behavior that accompanies such a life. And the culture around me pretty much mimicked my home environment. I felt the expectation (not the hope – the expectation) handed down of high achievement, while at the same time I was told that I would have to rely on the males of the species in order to be successful, and to keep my head down and keep quiet because my voice wasn’t important enough for anyone to listen to. I saw others looking only to the external world, things and accomplishments, social standing and the like for grounding, but no discussion of the soul. Even the version of God that I was raised with explained that He lived ‘out there’, and He had a vengeful side, so I had better watch my step, or else… Bows to the mind and not so much to the heart. I have learned to hate the game, not the players. Onward with the assignment of “re-writing the family curses”:
Curse: I cannot trust my mother nor my father, who gave me life, therefore I cannot trust Life or myself. I will always get ‘it’ wrong, I never know when ‘it’ is going to be taken as wrong, but ‘it’ will happen at least once every 24 hours, and there will be hell to pay whenever ‘it’ does happen. Hypervigilance is my key to survival – and a penchant to duck-and-cover in a split second.
Rewrite to Blessing: I chose my mother and my father as my teachers of compassion. I trust the Universe to put the thing I need to do next right in front of me. I live in a friendly Universe. I do the best I can and that is enough; it always was enough and it always will be. Fear and faith cannot occupy the same space for me at the same time; it is either one or the other. As I hold faith in the Universe, fear as a driving force for my survival loosens its grip on me.
Curse: My voice has no value, is not listened to, and is not wanted. In my silence I keep myself small and invisible. I survive because I am not a target as long as I am hiding.
Rewrite to Blessing: I must speak up for myself; no one else will. It is safe to ‘take up space’ in the world and expand into who I truly am in all of my expression. And as I give myself permission to speak my truth, I give others permission to do so as well.
Curse: My feelings are not appropriate and should be hidden at all costs, and preferably ignored altogether. It is not safe for me to feel what I am really feeling. I must push through life no matter what comes at me.
Rewrite to Blessing: My feelings are valid, no matter what they are. They are a part of the human experience. Denying my feelings was at the core of my cycle of chronic pain. As I acknowledge my feelings and the sensations that arise beneath them, the unresolved stresses and traumas held in the body release and heal. I am safe to feel – and feeling is part of a thriving, healthy life.
And that is all I have to say about that. Love Mission complete. I fed myself dark chocolate and a mix of fresh strawberries and blueberries, and listened to soothing mantra music while I wrote this. I am going to stop now and go into meditation, breathe and allow myself to feel all of the feelings that came up as a result of this assignment. I thank Tommy for this and send him a hug. I love you, TR…And I love how you stretch us through your powerful, challenging exercises. This was quite an assignment. I will remember its lessons. I am grateful for you and for this incredibly healing assignment. I believe I will pass this assignment forward. What’s next, TR?
#CursesToBlessings #SoGrateful #LivingBeyondChronicPain #Recovery #kippinitreal
