How to forgive the unforgivable…
We are familiar with forgiveness, yet sometimes, it is hard to do. Learning how to forgive the unforgivable stretches us and helps us deepen our compassion for others and ourselves.
How do you let go?
A client asked me if I could help her forgive the unforgivable. She was worrying about what happened. Past injustice haunted her, and she wanted to move forward without its burden. Although she was willing to forgive, she still held onto her frustration and wanted to be free of the situation.
What do you do when you have had an experience that you feel is unforgivable? You experience an injustice thatthink feel there is no coming back from. Where does forgiveness fit into this knotty situation? Can we ever forgive, or is it a hopeless pursuit?
Here is a process you can take to help you forgive the unforgivable:
1 – Forgiveness begins with self-reflection and self-honesty.
Let’s start right where you are. You have had an experience that is shocking and unconscionable. You have drawn a boundary, and this experience is far beyond your limits. Let’s get clear. You have decided where that red line is and what is on either side of it. You have made this meaning about the situation. The first step in beginning the inquiry into forgiveness is to identify and understand your standards. By pinpointing your beliefs and the limits you place on them, you can clearly see where you stand on this unpardonable act.
Then, look at how strongly you hold to these principles. What is your commitment to the beliefs that you carry about the incident? Are you determined to stand fast in your position, or is there room for a softening in your stance?
2 – Be responsible
The next step is to understand that you hold the energy of your reaction to the incident. You are responsible for carrying the energy you have around this issue. Previously, you may not have been aware of this, but now you can see it for what it is. There is no judgment here, just an awareness of the dynamic at play. In considering forgiveness, you can then ask yourself if you are ready to release this energy, or if you prefer to carry it. It may serve you at the moment to hold the injustice you feel about what happened.
Do you notice the tension you are experiencing in your body when you think about the unforgivable incident?
You might even notice that it is hard for you to relax whenever you think about the situation. Would you lighten the load, or is it serving you in some way to carry it? Do you feel a sense of attachment to it? The point here is to be clear and conscious about your posture, whatever it is. There is a certain quiet inner knowing and acknowledgment when you admit honestly to yourself what you are up to. Make sure you have self-compassion for whatever you discover in this self-reflection, no matter where you are in the process.
3 – Deepen into your self-assessment
What are you getting from not forgiving? In the long run, is it giving you the life you want? The short-term experience is the illusion of power, but it is certainly a potent one. Your ego is likely filled with the energy of being righteous.”“I feel this, and I have a right to be angry”” Forgiveness is not an option at the moment. Are you willing to let go? Again, there is no judgment here about what your position is, just an understanding of it. Accept yourself as you are and continue doing the work of moving through this experience. Does it add to your life force or pull you down? Further, you may feel that, at this moment, you are not ready to consider forgiving.That’ss fine, of course, so long as you are straight with yourself.
Consider bringing Ancestral Clearing into the mix. Ancestral Clearing is a powerful practice to help us release things we carry from the past and that we may have carried for generations. It was a total game-changer for me. This modality helped me release so many layers built up from the past, including the toxic resentment I held onto about the unforgivable in my life. It was so powerful and so healing that I became an Ancestral Clearing Practitioner in order to help others with this process.
5 -It’ss a process
Be at ease with where you stand on the issue in the present moment. If you are angry at the person who committed the unforgivable act, then recognize your anger. Accept that this is what you are experiencing. When you resist how you feel, you will suffer. If you are judging yourself for not being able to find forgiveness, try and just accept that youhaven’tt found it yet. Recognize that you are resisting. Are you willing to stay here in suffering, or are you willing to explore an alternative, such as letting go of your resistance to letting go of the unforgivable act? Let go of any self-judgment.
When we experience something we feel is unforgivable, we bear the hardship of our unforgivable experience as part of our identity. It can feel victimizing and we can feel powerless over what happened. We take back our power when we realize that the only power we truly have is the choice to forgive.
6 – Forgive yourself
No matter how much you might want to find forgiveness for what happened, you might find just not find it within yourself to forgive. It may even feel like you have a hidden“forgive” switch inside that you just can’t find. You may notice a sense of a stubborn and unbending presence inside yourself. Forgive yourself for not being able to let go:”“I forgive myself for not forgiving the other”. Until you can find acceptance of how you feel about what happened, you will suffer.
7 – Incorporate willingness and compassion
Willingness is the push that gives us the momentum to forgive. It is a choice. Sometimes, willingness is all the force we need to let go of our resentment. Sometimes, you may find that it is a process. The righteous indignation that we feel is our ego hanging on and making judgments about what happened. When you can recognize the ego and its attachment here, you may find yourself more easily moving to a neutral position and so come one step closer to forgiveness. Whereas you cannot condone what happened, you can have compassion and forgive the person who took the action, realizing how tortured they were and how much they were suffering. Forgiveness is releasing the feeling of anger toward someone who has wronged you.
The distance from the unforgivable to forgiveness can seem daunting and perhaps even impossible to view at the moment. As we accept our present experience and leave open the possibility that something else may be possible in the next moment, we begin the journey to change. After hanging onto a piece of the past for so long and finally being able to let it go, we find contentment at last in forgiveness.
Struggling with forgiveness? Free yourself from your source of suffering with This simple, effective, and profound process helps you release the pressure of resentment you feel. It helps you shift and uplift your energy, heal past pains, dissolve self-destructive negative thought patterns, and find peace. This practice is easy to follow.
